Sexist Jokes


Q. How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A. You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be open by the time she brings it.

Q. What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?
A. She starts her sentence with ‘A man once told me…’

Q. What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
A. Nothing, you already told her. Twice.

A man will spend £2 on a £1 item he needs. A woman will spend £1 on a £2 item she doesn’t need but it was on sale.

Q. Your dog is at the back door barking, your wife is at the front door yelling. Who do you let in first?
A. The dog. He’ll shut up when you let him in.

Q. What’s worse than a male chauvanistic pig?
A. A woman who won’t do what she’s damn well told to do.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes women’s sex drive by 92%. They name it ‘Wedding cake’.


He said . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

On a wall in a ladies room . . . “My husband follows me everywhere”
Written just below it . . . ” I do not”

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
A. It takes at least a hundredth of a second to blink.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. If it happens, let me know.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
Man says: But God, why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”


Trackbacks & Pingbacks


  1. * antonio says:

    why don’t women carry umbrellas?

    because it doesnt rain from the bedrrom to the kitchen.

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 2 months ago
    • * Matilda says:

      I tried to stay in University for as long as I could until I got tired from it. That 1% statistic do&3se#n9;t look too good. Just makes the world seem so much larger. Thanks for the insight.

      | Reply Posted 6 months, 4 weeks ago
  2. * MC-Hairtrigger says:

    Q : Why do women have legs?

    A : Have you seen the messy trail a snail makes?

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 2 months ago
  3. * PsYchOticDuDe says:

    Q: Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
    A: Cause she’s a woman.

    | Reply Posted 11 years, 1 month ago
  4. * Brencat says:

    A few minutes before the titanic sinks a women who knows she is going to die takes of all her clothing and yells out…
    “who here is man enough to make me feel like a real woman?”
    A man onboard puts his hand up and says…
    “I am!”
    He removes his shirt and says…
    “Here, iron this.”

    | Reply Posted 11 years ago
  5. * jimmy says:

    Q: Why are women’s feet smaller than a man’s
    A: So they can stand closer to the sink

    | Reply Posted 11 years ago
  6. * Matt says:

    The Best Sexist Jokes Ever

    Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
    Because they’re ugly and they stink.

    What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
    Nothin’ you ain’t told the bitch twice already.

    What do you call the useless skin around a pussy?
    A woman.

    Why did cavemen pull their women around by their hair?
    Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they’d fill up with mud.

    What’s the best thing about getting a blow job?
    The whole time she can’t talk.

    What’s the difference between a girl and a toilet?
    A toilet doesn’t want to cuddle after you drop your load in it.

    Why do women have tits?
    So men will talk to them.

    Why do women have arms?
    Do you know how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

    Why do women have smaller feet than men?
    So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

    Why do women have periods?
    Because they deserve them.

    Why do women fake their orgasms?
    Because they think we care.

    How do you make love to an ugly woman?
    Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her.

    How do you blind a woman?
    Put a windshield in front of her face.

    What’s the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
    You don’t have to beg her to blow your paycheck.

    There are only two things wrong with women:
    1) Everything they say.
    2) Everything they do.

    How many men does it take to open a beer?
    None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

    What do you say to a girl with no tits?

    Why don’t women need watches?
    There’s a clock on the stove.

    What’s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
    A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

    How do you make a woman have an orgasm?
    Who cares?

    All women are the same, but they have different faces
    so you can tell them apart.

    What are the two reasons that women don’t mind their own goddamn business?
    1) No mind. 2) No business.

    Women are like guns… keep one around long enough

    and you’re going to want to shoot it.

    What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
    A whine and cheese party.

    In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

    What’s the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
    When they take out the brain.

    What’s the best thing about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
    You know she’ll swallow.

    What do you do when your woman comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?
    Make her chain shorter.

    Why did the woman cross the road?
    What the hell was that bitch doing out of the kitchen?

    Why did God create woman?
    To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

    Why does the bride always wear white?
    Because the dishwasher should match the stove and refrigerator.

    How is a woman like a condom?
    Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

    How did the medical community come up with the term “PMS”?
    “Mad Cow Disease” was already taken.

    What is the definition of “making love”?
    Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

    Women are like rocks… the flat ones are easier to skip.

    How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
    Call her on your cell phone and let her listen to you fucking her mom.

    How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
    Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.

    What do a virgin and a balloon have in common?
    All it takes is one prick and it’s all over.

    Why don’t women’s guts fall out of their cunts?
    Because of the vacuum in their heads.

    What does pussy and a warm toilet seat have in common?
    They’re both nice to have but you always wonder who was there before you.

    Why do women need to be slightly smarter than cows?
    So they won’t shit on the floor when you pull on their tits.

    What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?

    What does a woman have in common with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken?
    When you’re done with the thighs and breasts, you’ve got a greasy box to stick your bone in.

    How is pussy like grapefruit?
    The best ones squirt when you eat them.

    What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs?
    “Nice tits!”

    Why do women have trouble achieving orgasm?
    Who cares?

    How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
    She has to chew before she can swallow.

    What do women and screen doors have in common?
    The more you bang ’em, the looser they get.

    Why did God give men penises?
    So we’d always have at least one way to shut a woman up.

    If the world was perfect and women were cars:
    a) The luxury model would pay for dinner and buy you stuff.
    b) The economy model would never need you to buy her anything.
    c) The sports model would go from zero to fucking in 2.2 seconds and her teeth would fold in.

    What does a woman put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
    Her ankles.

    What do you call an unmarried woman in a BMW?

    Why do women have foreheads when they don’t have brains?
    So we have a place to kiss them after they suck our cocks.

    What do fat chicks do in the summer?

    Why did God create women?
    Because sheep can’t fetch beer from the fridge.

    Why do women have legs?
    1: So they don’t get suction-cupped to their seats.
    2: So they can walk between the bedroom and the kitchen.
    3: So they don’t leave snail trails.

    What is red and has 7 tiny little dents in it?
    Snow White’s cherry.

    When you get in an argument with a woman, it’s your word against thousands of hers.

    How is a woman like a computer?
    You don’t really appreciate them until they go down on you.

    What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
    About 5 drinks.

    What is a woman?
    A life support system for a vagina.

    How are women like postage stamps?
    You lick ’em, stick ’em, and send them away.

    How are women like bowling balls?
    You finger them and throw ’em in the gutter, and they keep coming back for more.

    How are women like laxatives?
    They irritate the shit out of you.

    What’s the difference between a menstruating woman and a terrorist?
    You can negotiate with a terrorist.

    What is a mistress?
    Something between a mister and a mattress!

    Why are hangovers better than women?
    Hangovers will go away.

    What’s the difference between a woman and a coffin?
    You come in one and go in the other.

    Why do women close their eyes during sex?
    They can’t stand seeing a man having a good time.

    What’s six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

    Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
    Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

    How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
    She starts with “A man once told me…”

    Why were shopping carts invented?
    To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

    What are the three reasons anal sex is better?
    It’s warmer, it’s tighter and it’s more degrading to women.

    What does Kermit the Frog and Roseanne Barr’s husband have in common?
    They both enjoy fucking pigs.

    What’s a male chauvinist?
    A man who hates every bone in a woman’s body except his own.

    Don’t you wish more women had penis envy?

    What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch?
    A slut sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

    How can you tell if a woman is a dumb ass ugly bitch?
    They all are.

    Orgasms: just one more thing for women to yell about.

    How can you tell a woman is wearing pantyhose?
    When she farts, her legs swell up.

    What’s a clitoris?
    A female hood ornament.

    What do you call the white flaky stuff you find in a woman’s panties?
    Clitty Litter.

    What do you call ripping off a woman’s clothes and throwing her on the bed?

    What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
    A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

    Why do they call it the wonder bra?
    When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

    Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
    Ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

    Why do women sky-divers wear tampons?
    So they don’t whistle on the way down.

    How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
    None, let the bitch do the dishes in the dark.

    Why are hurricanes named after women?
    When they come its warm and wet… when they go they take your house and car with them.

    What’s the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
    A pussy is warm and wonderful… a cunt is who owns it.

    What’s the most active muscle in a woman?
    A penis.

    How can you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck?
    When you pull her pants down and her ass is still in them.

    What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples?
    They’re Braille for ‘suck here’.

    How are fat chicks like mopeds?
    They’re both fun to ride till your friends find out.

    Which part of a woman’s body does she enjoy being touched the most?
    Who cares?

    Why did God put women’s two holes so close together?
    In case you miss.

    Why is the space between a woman’s breasts and her hips called a “waist”?
    Because you could easily fit another pair of tits there.

    Why do Sumo Wrestlers shave their legs?
    So you can tell them apart from the feminists.

    Why do women like intelligent men?
    Opposites attract.

    What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

    There’s nothing wrong with women’s lib…
    it just needs a man to get it organized.

    Feminist rally: “As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top.”

    What’s a Japanese girl’s favorite holiday?
    Erection day.

    What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
    A battery has a positive side.

    Why do men fart more than women?
    Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up enough pressure.

    A woman went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her. “To remove that vibrator,” said the doctor, “I’m going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation.” “I don’t think I can afford that,” said the woman. “Could you just replace the batteries?”

    A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
    “If I were to give you $20,000, but you’d have to give back 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.
    The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

    The definition of the 90’s woman:
    She works 90 hours a week, earns $90,000 a year and thinks that “Fucking” and “Cooking” are outer provinces of China.

    I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

    “I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months…
    I don’t like to interrupt her.”

    Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 99%. It’s called “wedding cake”.

    Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

    Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me
    “What’s on the TV?”
    I said, “Dust!”

    If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
    The dog, of course. At least he’ll shut up once you let him in.

    Why do men die before their wives?
    They want to.

    Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
    Dad: That happens all over the world, son.

    A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds: “Wife Wanted.” The next day he received hundreds of letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

    The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

    Golfer to buddy: “Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!”
    Buddy: “GREAT trade!”

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 11 months ago
  7. * Justin says:

    Wats strong like a man but made for a woman.
    The back of my hand now make me a sandwich bitch

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 11 months ago
  8. * Rollie says:

    Why do men make female jokes?
    SIMPLY because the FEMALE divorced them.

    Why are woman better than men?
    Men might be strong but have no brains. Women can outsmart men by a million grades!!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 9 months ago
  9. * Ivan says:

    Q:, do you talk to your wife after sex?
    MAN: If I can find a Phone, and if she hears it ring over the sink water..

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 8 months ago
    • * Nenkaila says:

      BJ that is so AWESOME!! I am so proud of you, and that you are gtntieg the attention that you & this cause so deserves. All of us in your PanCan family are rooting for you and trying to do all we can to help with the media attention. The attention for this disease is long overdue. I hope all our efforts help you get that attention. Saying prayers that your journey is a safe & good one. Looks like so far it shows the true goodness & generosity of the American people and I am proud of that. It seems there is more good than bad in most of us. Take Care & keep us updated! Sending hugs your way my PanCan “brother!!”

      | Reply Posted 5 years, 10 months ago
    • * enpfgcxirtk says:

      uNYi67 ihavwyapowqt

      | Reply Posted 5 years, 10 months ago
    • * liurhlla says:

      jGRII3 jkgfqdedqyrr

      | Reply Posted 5 years, 10 months ago
  10. * larry warry says:

    Whats the best thing about a woman driving a car?
    She is going to pick up my meal after we just got done fucking!

    | Reply Posted 10 years, 7 months ago
  11. * John says:

    What do you call a woman with one black eye?
    A quick learner.

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 12 months ago
  12. An investigative journalist went to Afghanistan to study the culture and was shocked to discover that women were made to walk ten paces behind the men. She asked her guide why and he said, “Because they are considered of lesser status.” Outraged the journalist went home. A year later she returned covering violence in the region and was surprised to see the women walking ten paces ahead. She turned to her guide and this time asked, “What has changed?” The guide answered, “Land mines.”

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 5 months ago
  13. Q. Your dog is at the back door barking, your wife is at the front door yelling. Who do you let in first?
    A. The dog. He’ll shut up when you let him in.

    | Reply Posted 5 years, 5 months ago
  14. * Carole says:

    “Sexist Jokes Stevopia” was a pretty great article, .

    I hope you keep authoring and I’m going to continue to keep following! I appreciate it ,Gino

    | Reply Posted 4 years, 10 months ago
  15. unquestionably just like your web-site and you have to do some of the punctuational with a number of your content regularly. A few of them are rife by using spelling difficulties so i believe it is very worrisome in all honesty nonetheless Let me absolutely come again just as before.

    | Reply Posted 3 years, 10 months ago
  16. * walmart jobs says:

    This design is spectacular! You most certainly know how to keep a reader amused.
    Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start
    my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Great job. I
    really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it.
    Too cool!

    | Reply Posted 3 years, 7 months ago
  17. * coin world says:

    Why viewers still make use of to read news papers when in this technological world all
    is existing on web?

    | Reply Posted 3 years, 3 months ago

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: